“Lightening Up With Jan”
Resident Jan Marshall is a Humorologist, award-winning author, and humor columnist for adults and aspirational books for children.
THE CELEBRITY IN OUR COMMUNITY
By Jan Marshall
The following was delivered by courier in the dark of night with a plea to make this public. As a purveyor of truth, I am releasing this in my role as a model citizen and a breathtakingly beautiful blond. Oh wait, that’s someone else!
THE MESSAGE
The secret is out. I have been hidden and silent till now.
Yes, I am Dartha Stewart, Martha Stewart’s younger (by 1 minute) twin sister. It is time for the world to know I exist before the TMZ exposé.
FLASHBACK: During our delivery, sis fashioned a duvet from the placenta to cover mummy, gold-leafing our umbilical cord. While nursing, she sprayed a touch of vanilla around mom’s areola. I drank mother’s milk straight from a Schmucker’s® Jelly glass.
She smirked when the doctor patted her bottom. I moaned and gave him my adult web site. I simply did not fit in.
Mother thought adoption would be best. She traded me to a cousin for a year’s supply of Polish sausages.
Though separated by time and space, Martha and I led comparable lives. I, too give advice. My friends call it nagging and hate it.
I want to visit Martha. We could nosh on her sautéed tiger tail appetizers. In turn, I’ll reveal hints that will save hours of spitting and cursing. They’ll transform her life to include bathroom breaks.
- To un-stick Saran Wrap® from itself, place it in the fridge next to the panty hose and both will peel off quickly.
- If you don’t polish silver for 7 years it looks like Pewter. Pewter is nice.
These tips would give sis time to tend to the trees she uses for crafting stationary. Then she could drop me a note with ink made from squid and octopi that are staples in her home.
I beg Martha not to envy me for receiving the one honor that is beyond her grasp:
MS. DARTHA STEWART of Heritage Pointe, California has been awarded
“GOOD NIGHT HOUSEKEEPING’S”
SEAL OF DISGUST
Aha! This explains why people wipe their feet after they leave my place.
We may need to wear high boots and pith helmets to keep from forming a fungus while walking through my unit. Then again, she can glue-gun us the more stylish Manolo Blahniks thigh-highs for the walk-through.
As a special treat during her visit I can then…divulge the delights of defrosting.
To Resident Yentas, Shush! PLEASE Don’t tell Martha. It’s my revenge surprise.
Jan Marshall