Getting Our Guys Back

Jan Marshall

“Lightening Up With Jan”

Resident Jan Marshall is a Humorologist, award-winning author, and humor columnist for adults and aspirational books for children.

Last week I promised to return all our absentee football players to their favorite homebody with a radical suggestion.
To bring them back to us without bruised limb’s concussions and the need to wear black shadow as they do under their eyes which is the the incorrect way to use it according to makeup experts.
I am keeping my word to help the forsaken left alone people while their men are on the field.

So shave your legs or mustache if you are of a different persuasion or the same, wear your come hither outfit or…nuttin at all.
Moisturize or after shave – your choice and use your best come hither glance or a cold beer to entice.
Then ask yourself, why do these gents hit pummel and attempt to destroy their opponents week after week every season?

I have pondered this query year after year.
The answer is actually quite simple.
They want one thing Just One DAMN THING.
They want the—- football, that is it!. THAT’S it!
Then slam bam broken bones and for what? All for want of-that ONE item.

By the way I digress, but if a coach wanted to hire other great Jewish football players like Mitch Schwartz the Superbowl champ in 2019, they should stop calling the ball pigskin. I do not have time explain to you all though those in know know (just think.. it would be like referring to challah as bacon bread) NO NO. For those living at Heritage Pointe, they know.

To get back to my brilliant solution to keep our guys home… READY-start the trumpets beat the drums and wait for it…TA DA
Here is THE remedy
Here it comes…

Why not give each player his own ball?
Remember when surreptitiously someone deflated the balls in the 2014? Everyone blamed that cutie, the Patriots Tom Brady and maybe he deserved that.

BUT…Had it occurred to anyone that perhaps it was a very lonely significant other who deflated them so the guys would stop pummeling each other, causing head traumas and broken bones and instead, simply come home and make love to them?

That would truly be Super Sunday!

Then replays during the week including the highlights.

I am sure my suggestions will get me yet another nomination for peaceful solutions by getting our men back where to they belong if not to make love but to at least fix something on our weathered, yellowed, falling apart decades-old “to do” list around the house, finally.

Since I am an expert in giving football advice may I suggest two highly regarding athletes for the next professional recruiting go arounds…
Duke Snyder
and
Mickey Mantle.

You’re Welcome🙋🏻‍♀️🧢

BY THE WAY DARLING

You bought me a pool table last HANUKKAH

My birthday, seats for the Rams’–49er.

On Thanksgiving you gave me the bird

To cook for thirty friends, plus a Shriner.

On our anniversary, you took me away from it all;

Our room was on the eighteenth hole

Three times I got hit with the ball,

Twice in my camisole.

Thank you kindly, but on the next occasion

Please listen to this sound advice.