By Jan Marshall
“Lightening Up With Jan”
Resident Jan Marshall is a Humorologist, award-winning author, and humor columnist for adults and aspirational books for children.
The pitch for changing insurance carriers has arrived to coax us from one company covering nothing I need (Prostate Practitioner?) to others whose plan does not include even one of my preferred doctors especially Dr.Love.
Hopefully, I won’t have to return to my former physician whose specialty was Recommendology.
He didn’t actually treat.
He called everything a virus which is Latin for “I don’t know what the hell you have.”
Then he simply checked ailments on his computer and would recommend a colleague from his own country of distant origin.
Still, I managed to generally stay healthy; well except for the fall which actually gave me an opportunity to pick up items on the floor that I dropped a while ago and could not otherwise bend to retrieve.
Life works out well, don’t you think?
Oh wait; there was that one incident of the headache that led to the cast on my arm and the near nervous breakdown.
One morning after an extremely festive previous evening, my head ached. I reached for an aspirin and couldn’t open the childproof jar even after pressing down and aligning the arrow as the teeny directions suggested. I fumed and twisted and then accidentally banged my arm against the sink.
Luckily, my little granddaughter came by after her third grade class ended, opened the bottle, and then texted (50 words per minute!) to find the nearest emergency room. She then sent me on my way.
The room was mobbed so I took a number; 72 to be exact, which gave me time to observe the crowd.
One woman saw her medical form menu of choices and mumbled “allergies, heart, ear, nose, gums?…and then she sang, “All of Me. Why Not Take All of Me?”
We all sympathized and hummed along.
One man, who evidently had been waiting in the very same room for a extremely long time, called the receptionist at the front desk and asked to speak to the Urologist. She said, “Please hold” and he shouted expletives and said if he could hold he wouldn’t be in the emergency room!
Frankly, I am fed up with my current medical programs. I plan to return to the psychic who said I would meet a tall dark stranger…who would remove my gall bladder.
I hope he and any man is aware of my strict personal dating rules.
I never ever allow a gent to shave my back until the third date; well…usually anyway.
The End