“Lightening Up With Jan”
Resident Jan Marshall is a Humorologist, award-winning author, and humor columnist for adults and aspirational books for children.
THIS WEEK’S MIND AND BODY PEACE ACCORDS
By Jan Marshall
After several failed attempts to look svelte all year, I held my own peace treaty talks.
Pressuring myself to get in shape never worked since my mind and body were never on the same plate.
I was fed up. Time for a truce.
I recorded it.
MIND: Well Bod, this is historical. For the first time we are involved in peaceful negotiations toward a just and lasting thinness.
BODY: Yes, we always had the same objective. It was the method that caused those belly skirmishes.
MIND:I agree. I’d like you to know I acknowledge your right to exist (although I question the amount of territory you cover).
BODY: My right to exist? WOW!
MIND: Don’t get hostile.
BODY: I’m not hostile. I don’t need your permission to exist. I just do. That’s that. Lets get back to the bargaining table which is in the kitchen. Want dessert?
MIND: NO!! What are you willing to give up in order to gain results?
BODY: NEVER use the word gain in my presence. If we agree I’ll give up the peanut butter on my Sara-Tommy Lee Pounds of Cake. And you?
MIND: I won’t say you’re bad when you finish your grandkids’ food during Grandparents Day at Heritage Pointe considering they are not your grandkids or even at your table.
BODY: Good. The more you yelled, the worse I felt, and the worse I felt, the more I ate. I am convinced you are sincere in your wish to reach a lasting “svelteness”. Good. Let’s celebrate and order pizza.
MIND: How can you talk about pizza now when you are still stuffed from lunch down in the dining room?
BODY: Okay, forget the pizza. How about spaghetti?
MIND; Spaghetti is out of the question.
BODY: Just one bowl eaten while I jog??
MIND: No!! Spaghetti can’t be acceptable.
BODY: I will never, give up spaghetti. If you accept my pasta position, I will adhere to other conditions.
MIND: You must give up spaghetti and that is that!
BODY: Never!!
MIND: No more negotiations.
BODY: Please! How about a couple of scoops of pecan ice cream?
MIND: Are you nuts?
BODY: Don’t holler. How about just one scoop.
MIND: Ah!… Okay, if it’s with a dollop of whipped cream, you have a deal!!
L’chaim!
THE END
Jan Marshall