“Lightening Up With Jan”
Resident Jan Marshall is a Humorologist, award-winning author, and humor columnist for adults and aspirational books for children.
SO, I canceled the yacht. Asked escrow to void my purchases of the three additional units in this facility and even sadly, voided the Malibu Beach property purchase. More heartbreakingly I even had to renege on the full scholarships, food and shelter for a lifetime for orphans and oldsters in the universe, at least temporarily.
No, as was revealed cruelly on television once again, I did not win the lottery.
For decades, though, I used to enter the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes. Even purchased 380 magazine subscriptions when entering by mail thinking it would help. It didn’t.
You Mr. Sweepstakes, hounded me, sending me secret special numbers that no one else had.
(I felt superior), stating that no purchase was necessary although those little star windows where my magazine order shown through, obviously was to warn me that if nothing showed, the envelope was spat upon, burned and flushed down the toilet. Whew, that was a long sentence.
Then I started entering online.
I missed the birth of my great grandchild because I wanted to be home in case the judges came calling with my winnings as well as accepting the NoBell prize and competing in the “MuMus are better than Bikinis” contest.
I dated the mailman, thought he may have connection—still didn’t win.
And the amount of money I spent on wheelbarrows to carry the dough to the bank from my winnings would astound even Jeff Bezos.
I was about to give up and enter only 10 times a week as I was becoming disillusioned.
Then today’s mail arrived.
YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS! Are you sitting down?
I won $6.00. SIX DOLLARS!!!
Then I heard the chattering.
Yup, the press was already at the door.
I removed my makeup to scare them away.
I hope none of my Heritage Pointe friends will reveal this windfall.
I have already received begging texts from former classmates from college and pre-k. Not to mention relatives whom I thought were long gone , I mean long-GONE.
For the moment, while I figure it all out—family is no longer involved except for the grandkids because the grownups just TP’d my unit with demands.
If there is anything left from the six dollar windfall I’ll will bequeath it to the four grandkids and their kids.
When I receive the funds I will also donate a good portion to many charities like Heritage Pointe ….and the half price sale at Nordstrom’s women’s department.
Till the check is safely deposited, and because this is too big a burden to decide by myself, in addition to being aware how great wealth can corrupt, though I am not actually aware but I’ve heard, I’ve hired financial advisors, tax consultants and criminal attorneys in case I choose not to reveal my good fortune to the IRS.
They will be part of the foundation I have formed to determine who and what is worthy of my not for profit contribution.
Therefore, friends and neighbors: For your information and any claim or needs, send $1000 as your application fee with your requests to 👇🏼
2 Buck Chunky Chick
% Heritage Pointe
Till then, I will be incognito which is near the 405 freeway.
THE END
